Sabotage...

I have a new friend.  I will refer to him as Don.  He is a CEO of a local company and he messaged me recently.  His message was interesting and after a couple of AM exchanges, we moved the conversation to email.  Soon, we were chatting on Yahoo.  He is intelligent and funny.  He swears this is his first time on AM and I pretend to believe him.  He gets my strange and sometimes dry sense of humor and tells me that I am one of the few people who can make him laugh.  Things are going well.

We plan to meet in a week.  This is bad... a week is too long.  A week gives time for all of my self-doubt and fear to creep in.  Not fear that he will be nuts or I will get caught, but fear that it will be another "Pilot" situation.  No, I do not think that I will have another date ruined by my cycle, but I have a real fear of rejection.  A fear that no matter what he says to me, the reality will be a disappointment. 

He asks me for another picture.  I try to take one. Honest.  I am having a bad day and the fear is settling down for a long stay in my head.  Nothing looks good.  I try and try.  I get frustrated.  I cry.  I decide, I can't do this.  I can't handle rejection again so soon.  I need to end this with him now.

We chat and I explain my fear to him.  I tell him that I am afraid I will not measure up to the women he envisions in his head. 

Then, before I can sabotage myself, he says one sentence that changes everything for me.  One sentence that simultaneously lets me laugh at myself and realize I am being silly while realizing he is being as honest as he ever will with me.

"Not measure up?  No way, I am looking for pussy."

I laugh because I know he was trying to lighten the mood and remind me why we found each other.  But there it is...the moment of honesty that suggests anyone can fill this spot for him and there is nothing special about me.

Not sure how long this will last so I will crank up the Beastie Boys, relax, and enjoy the ride.